My apology.

I guess you could consider this just another story. But If you look into the depth of how things turned out, you might find it to be more of a life plan or even a death wish. It's just something that some people have to deal with throughout life, me of course being one of them. When I was little things were so hard, not only for me, but also my Dad and anyone who came into contact with me.
This could be my apology, Or it could just be another person in the world complaining about the way their life has turned out. Look at it either way, for I no longer really give a shit what people have to say. I have no idea who I am, Who I want to be, Nor what I have no offer. I thought I had things in order, that was until I realized I hate who I am. There is not a single thing I like about myself, Id rather be dead than have to live this life. Being an angry and irritated person is my whole god damn fucking life story. I'm hardly ever happy, and even than, someone finds a way to tear it away from me. When I was younger all I ever did was cause mayhem. Never caring about other people's feelings, but still wanting them to be my friend... How does that work? Explain it to me, I'd really like to hear your intake on that. Always making people feel bad and saying rude things to them, that has been my life. Never caring. Someone recently brought it to my attention that I blame my problems on everyone else. No one is holding me back, except me. I know I always find an excuse to NOT go further with my life. It's my problem not yours. And I'm sorry to anyone who has been a target of my anger. Through-out my entire life things have always been "Bad" that's what I think at least. I don't stop to think about all those kids in Africa starving. I go hungry for a few hours, they go hungry for days. I don't think about the people who have lost both parents or in foster care. All I think of is "I don't have a Mother, My life is terrible" but in all honesty, my life isn't all that bad. But I don't think about what I do have, All I ever think about is what I don't have. I don't have a house. I don't have a car. I don't have money. I don't have a mom. My dad is disabled. And my family hates me. That's my life in a few short lines. Than there's my anger and depression. My tears of sadness and anger. But no one sees the tears. They don't care. All they care about is "Oh, shes just having a tantrum" so I don't share my fucking feelings wtih ANYONE. It's none of their damn business. Especially if they are just gonna make fun of me or say rude things. So I keep my feelings to myself, which in the long run just makes me more angry and irritated. I would like to feel that someone out there cares for me. But why the fuck should they? I'm so annoying and such a bad person. I know I am. Deep down I would like to think I'm an Okay person, but seriously, Who am I trying to kid? It's just something I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life. I would love to have someone to spill my guts to, besides my journal. And still feel safe that my feelings wont be shared with the world. One day, I plan on writing a book about how i feel, I'll get it published, I'll sell it all over the world, but they will NEVER see my face nor know my real name. I'll use an alias. Heaven forbid if anyone were to ever read my true feelings. I would die. I can't be who you want me to be. I can't be who my dad wants me to be. I can't be who my Nana wants me to be. I can't live my life for others. But I guess I can't really live my life for myself either. So what am I to do? I'm to chicken shit to kill myself. I've tried. It doesn't work for me. I just need someone to relate to me. I can't live like this for much longer, I'll fucking crack. I may not be able to hang myself, Or slit my wrist or even shoot myself, But I'm sure I could jump off a bridge. My life has no meaning if you think about it. What have I accomplished? Anger... Depression... Irritation... sadness... Oh and of course, My high school diploma. But I don't really have love. I'm sure people out there do love me. I'm not gonna say NO ONE loves me, for I know that's a huge ass lie. But I do know that no one can love me the way I need to be loved. I guess you could call me high maintenance, For I need a different kind of love. I don't know what kind it is, but I need it. I wish my life was completely different. I hate to say it, but I wish my Dad wasn't disabled, Or at least I wish he could be the kind of parent I need. Although I am 18, a legal adult, I cannot live alone, I still depend on my father for every aspect of my life. Which is fucking pathetic. But I'm 100% NOT ready to grow up. I could care less about the people who are younger than me and more mature, Good for them, Maybe it was time for them to grow up. But I can't grow up. I don't want to leave my dad. I'm so afraid of losing him. Every night I go to sleep I think "what if my dad dies in his sleep" I'm constantly worrying about losing him. I cannot seem to get it through my head that being disabled with the disease my dad has (cerebral palsy )doesn't automatically mean he is going to die. Cerebral Palsy isn't terminal, at least not with my dad. But if I lose him, I lose my entire life. Somedays I wish I could die, but I can't leave my dad in this world with no one. I mean, seriously. His wife already fucking died. I cannot imagine the toll it would take on him if his ONLY child were to die as well. I wish I could kill myself, but I guess my dad's feelings mean more to me than my own. I want to take care of myself and my dad as well. I take advantage of him. I hate myself for it. Things seem to be difficult this days, but I'm starting to think that I'm just making them difficult for myself. I miss my mom. The 13th anniversary of her death is in 15 days. I'm getting really sad and angry. But I guess no one said life would be easy, but they did say they would be worth it. And so far. I guess it kinda has been. For I've made good friends, I found the love of my life at an early age and I love my father more and more each day. Life isn't horrible, But it sure as hell aint easy.